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I had forgotten that Michael Jackson’s birthday was August 29th, until it was announced that his family planned to bury him on that date this year, when he would have turned fifty-one. (That has now been postponed until September 3rd, no doubt to give him just slightly more time to rise from the dead.) Once upon a time, it was a date I knew by heart – along with the fact that MJ’s zodiac sign was Virgo, which made him a potentially compatible mate for me. Spike Lee, who was recently quoted as saying, “I wanted my Afro to be perfectly round, like Michael’s,” is throwing a public birthday party for the deceased in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park. Me, I’d like to observe the occasion by looking on the bright side – there are eight Jackson siblings still living. (Joe Jackson may already be looking forward to a future in which he will put his hapless grandchildren on stage, but we need not encourage him.) Sure, next to Michael, the rest of the clan seem like saplings in the shade of a mighty oak, but when we have no alternative, perhaps we can make do.
The Yang to his Yin: Janet
Maybe because she was born so late in the game that she was almost an afterthought, Janet was able to break free of the Joe Jackson mindfuck and make a series of hit records, which, seriously, if you haven’t listened to them in a while, bust out your shoulder pads and crimp your hair, cuz we havin’ a party. For my money, Control and Rhythm Nation 1814 are still the best – I have a weakness for bootylicious Janet as opposed to washboard-abs Janet. But even before she joined forces with Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, Janet had (or should have) earned her big brothers’ respect by going where none of them was able to go – sitcoms. She was little more than wallpaper as Willis’ girlfriend Charlene on Diff’rent Strokes, but as little girl lost Penny on Good Times, who follows J.J. home and stays in the ghet-to forever, she is indispensable.
The Dethroned Prince: Jermaine
It must have been difficult for him not to just kick Michael in the ass – literally – when the Jackson 5 took to the stage. The handsomest of the boys, Jermaine was the obvious choice for lead singer until his pipsqueak kid brother started hogging all the attention. Getting to sing “co-lead” on hits like “I Want You Back” and “The Love You Save” must have been small consolation. Jermaine soothed his injured feelings by bringing groupies back to the hotel rooms he shared with his brothers on the road, possibly laying the groundwork for at least some of Michael’s future sexual hangups. When he struck out on his own (an endeavor assisted by his marriage to the boss’ daughter, Hazel Gordy), he worked with a mind-blowing range of musical celebs, from Devo to Pia Zadora. However, I think it’s his contribution to the music video world that really deserves more attention. The ever-so-sweaty clip for “Do What You Do,” featuring Iman as a well-oiled lover with a secret agenda, haunted my dreams for years. On the other end of the spectrum is the video for “Dynamite,” in which Jermaine attempts to break out of a prison guarded entirely by dancing women. Thank you for the day-glo vertical stripes, J-Man.
The One Who Saved Herself: Rebbie
The oldest sibling, Rebbie (pronounced REE-bee) is remarkable among the Jackson sisters for how much you don’t know about her. Too old and too female to belong to the Jackson 5, she simply went about her business, marrying her high school sweetheart (to whom she is still wed), pitching in on the family variety show, and doing background vocals on records by Chaka Khan and Lou Rawls. Her li’l bro Michael wrote her a Top 40 hit, “Centipede,” and she was able to enjoy her moderate success without flipping out, talking to the media too much, or butchering her face (though she did give one of the weirdest performances ever captured in a music video). Hopefully, when grandma Katherine passes, Prince, Paris and Blanket will be ushered into adulthood by the gracefully un-neurotic Aunt Rebbie.
The Twin Soul: LaToya
Clearly, LaToya and Michael share the distinction of “Most Troubled Jackson,” the major difference being the latter’s unparalleled success and former’s status as a perpetual loser. Then again, she’s still alive. Before Armed and Famous and Celebrity Big Brother (in which Jermaine also appeared, by the way), before posing for Playboy, before the tell-all memoir, before the unconsummated marriage to the psycho manager who beat her and tried to force her to appear in a porno…wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, back in their tender years, Michael and LaToya did everything together, from knocking on doors like good little Jehovah’s Witnesses to sharing their first “grown-up” pad together in New York while Michael was filming The Wiz. Appropriately, she seems to have benefited the most from her beloved brother’s untimely death. It gave her an excuse to release a previously unheard single, ostensibly to benefit Michael’s favorite charity, Project AIDS Los Angeles (remember Ryan White?), and her increased visibility has led to her being asked back to guest host on The View this fall (apparently she did it before, back in 2003 – why on earth…?). The chance to reinvent herself as a long-suffering survivor is, perhaps, Michael’s final gift to the sister who, like him, was a primary victim of their awful father’s intolerance for weakness. He loved her, and his heart don’t lie.
Aerosmith
Every generation thinks it makes the world anew…but no matter how many years pass, it’s same shit, different decade. The data presented below should leave no doubt.
Girl Group:
BOOMERS - Supremes
GEN-X – Go-Gos
MILLENNIALS - Spice Girls
Other Girl Group:
B’s – Ronettes
X’s – Bangles
M’s – Destiny’s Child
One-Named Singer:
B’s – Cher
X’s – Madonna
M’s – Beyoncé
Piano Chick:
B’s – Carole King
X’s – Tori Amos
M’s – Alicia Keys
White Boy Band:
B’s – Monkees
X’s – New Kids
M’s – N’Sync
Black Boy Band:
B’s – Jackson 5
X’s – New Edition
M’s – Boyz II Men
Guy Who Changed His Name:
B’s – Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam)
X’s – John Cougar (John Mellencamp)
M’s – Puff Daddy (Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy)
Rock Musical:
B’s – Hair
X’s – Rent
M’s – Spring Awakening
Aerosmith Ballad:
B’s – “Dream On”
X’s – “Angel”
M’s – “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”
Jersey Rock:
B’s – Springsteen
X’s – Bon Jovi
M’s – Fountains of Wayne
Messiah Wannabe:
B’s – Jim Morrison
X’s – Prince
M’s – Kanye West
Child Molester:
B’s – Jerry Lee Lewis
X’s – Jacko
M’s – R. Kelly
Yes, there are differences…big ones. My preferred test is to yell out “Mama say mama sa mama koo sa” and see who starts dancing – that’s Gen-X. But the distinctions noted here are also dead on.
It took me about an hour to realize that VH1-Classic had programmed the videos in alphabetical order (cut me some slack, I’m coming down with a cold), but the juxtaposition of Kool Moe Dee and Kraftwerk was a powerful wake-up call…so to speak. This must have been what Mike Myers was watching when he came up with the “Sprockets” sketch. Speaking of disturbing, what’s up with only one Kool Moe Dee clip? No “Wild Wild West”? For heaven’s sake, even the Kinks got two!
No commentary required. Just watch:
Earlier this evening I was out at a bar. For reasons I can no longer recall (probably because earlier this evening I was out at a bar), the conversation turned to how Radiohead, once an “alternative” band, has in recent years become popular with frat types. I then began reminiscing about the days when They Might Be Giants was a band no one outside of the northeast had heard of, in spite of having recorded three albums and playing live almost constantly, and bemoaning the fact that their shows are now overrun with douchebags.
“Are you a music snob?” my companion asked me. A snob? I thought. Not at all. After all, on my way to the bar I had been listening to Mariah Carey on my iPod. (C’mon now, you know “We Belong Together” is irresistible.) In spite of everything, I still like Madonna. I just don’t like asswipes…so when they show up at the same venues I frequent, I am quite reasonably distressed. However, later in the evening, when I expressed my delight to hear old chestnuts by Erasure and Big Audio Dynamite, the aforementioned companion nodded. “Music snob,” he remarked once more, with a smirk.
What? I’m a snob because I like music you have never heard of? Oh woe is me. Jesus, having owned a copy of “The Innocents” is hardly a sign of erudition.
Turner & Hooch (1989)
Okay, what? Before today, I had never seen more than a basic-cable moment or two of the Tom Hanks K-9 buddy comedy Turner and Hooch, but, like many of you, I had laughed at it (I mean, Hanks bellowing “Hooooch!” at the top of his lungs is a cheap and easy laugh, right?). Earlier this evening, I happened upon it playing on Comedy Central – and was shocked to find myself watching as Hanks lifted an injured Hooch out of the back of his car and rushed him into vet Mare Winningham’s office. Imagine my horror as the camera revealed a deep, bloody wound in Hooch’s chest! It looked like a gunshot – had the butt of so many Hollywood jokes actually taken a bullet for his A-list partner? As the vet tried to stabilize him and Hanks’ character stroked his head and reassured him he would be going home, the jowly co-star looked up at them with wet, sad eyes, which eventually closed. Winningham pronounced Hooch dead, Hanks broke down…and I shrieked “No!” in disbelief. What kind of sick, demented people end a man’s best friend comedy with the best friend in question going into rigor mortis? Even out of context, this is easily the most sadistic plot twist imaginable. Even Haley Joel Osment’s death in Pay It Forward makes more sense.
Why? Because I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear.
Because I went to London and died.
Because the life I’ve had could make a good man turn bad.
Because I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of.
Because pretty girls make graves.
Because heaven knows I’m miserable now.
Because if it’s not love, then it’s the bomb that will bring us together.
Because that joke isn’t funny anymore.
Because now I know how Joan of Arc felt.
Because I was bored before I even began.
Because you must stay on your own for slightly longer.
Because she could have been a poet or she could have been a fool.
Because there is a light that never goes out.
And you could meet somebody who really loves you.
Happy birthday to me!
Match GAme
I know I don’t have to tell you why the game show classic “Match Game” is something whose like we will sadly never see again…but just like Jesus, it needs to be given its due at least twice a year. One of this weekend’s reruns on Game Show Network gives us the perfect opportunity by combining the usual display of C-list celebrity smarminess with bona-fide performance art. The highlights include:
Gary Burghoff, in wide lapels and out of his trademark “Radar” specs, clowning around with his fellow panel members – truly painful to watch. Gary, no one has ever or will ever care about you as a person. Will someone go back in time and inform him?
Charles Nelson Reilly (a.k.a. my personal savior) wearing a T-shirt with glitter letters spelling out “AGITA”. Later holding up a response card to alert the show’s producers to the fact that a comedy bit they had forced the panel to attempt had tanked: “It didn’t work AT ALL!”
That set: it’s not just me, right? It does look like a Confederate flag…?
Okay, I admit I stopped watching the show after Madonna’s segment (no disrespect, John Mellencamp!), but the highlights of those first two hours were:
- Lou Reed name dropping the Chelsea Hotel and Max’s Kansas City, then proceeding to quote Leonard Cohen lyrics for way too long
- Leonard Cohen bringing his mini-bottle of water on stage with him to accept his award, then proceeding to quote his own lyrics for only slightly too long
- Patti Labelle blows the roof off with her cover of Gamble & Huff’s “If You Don’t Know Me by Now,” making everyone in the audience realize they have really fucked up by not inducting her yet
- Grownup Madonna (“It says in the Talmud…”) loosens up a bit and allows immature Madonna (“That’s right, motherfucker”) to come out during her acceptance speech: “Then we dropped two tabs of ecstacy and danced the night away!” Why, why, why was I too young to go to Danceteria in ‘82?
- Still shirtless, Iggy covers “Burning Up” and “Ray of Light” with the Stooges. Michigan, you’ve got a lot to answer for.
